


Marriage Counselling

by Sadistic_Waffle



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: I wrote this very quickly very early in the morning, I'm so sorry everyone, M/M, Pretty sure they're OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-27
Packaged: 2018-01-10 06:05:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1156024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sadistic_Waffle/pseuds/Sadistic_Waffle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the Hobbit Kink meme: What if Thorin and Thranduil were once together as lovers/ fiancées/ married couple, but after Smaug came became estranged. After Erebor is reclaimed Thorin calls a meeting with the Elvenking to establish treaties/ trade routes etc and asks Bilbo (his most trusted friend) to act as a buffer. Only poor Bilbo realises soon enough that what the two men need more is a marriage counsellor and reluctantly finds himself acting the part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Marriage Counselling

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry I don't think I did this amazing prompt justice, but I fell in love with it and no one had filled it.... It really ends suddenly but I'm just so tired right now. Maybe I'll edit it later? Possibly delete it? Well enjoy this catastrophe anyway.

Bilbo was still in a state of disbelief.   
“Okay Thorin, can you just.... Repeat that? Because I’m sure you, Thorin Oakenshield, King of Erebor, whose valiant victory in the Battle of Five Armies is being scripted into songs and odes far and wide across Middle Earth, did not just ask me to protect you from Thranduil the Elvenking, surely I’m imagining this conversation?” As Bilbo spoke, Thorin seemed to shrink into himself- at least until the hobbit uttered the word ‘protect’.   
“I do not need your protection against the likes of him, I could take down hundreds of those overly skinny, too-tall, beardless weaklings in one fell swoop of my sword if I so desired!” Thorin growled, fists clenching as they usually did when he spoke of the elven race.  
“Right- just remind me- you are referring to the sword made by the self-same ‘beardless weaklings’ here, am I correct?” Bilbo said with a twinkle in his eye, lifting his hands into the air in a gesture of defeat at Thorin’s glare. “Alright, alright, sorry, couldn’t resist. Now then.... What is it you want me to do?”  
“I need you to be.... Present at the meeting with the Elvenking this afternoon, unfortunately it’s within our best interests to re-establish trade routes with Mirkwood, as Fili and Kili have been so helpfully reminding me at dinner these past few nights-“ At this Bilbo grinned quite jovially, remembering fondly how Fili and Kili had put on innocent façades and inquired about this looming priority at dinner constantly in full view of the advisors, (leading them to pester the Dwarven King about the issue as well) a responsibility which Thorin, ever true to his animosity towards the elven race, had been ignoring steadily. Bilbo and the rest of the company had a good laugh at Thorin’s facial expressions over the fire later that night, where Thorin had been ‘mysteriously’ absent. “- he is expected today, and I know that impertinent elf will be as arrogant as ever with his....” It was at this point where Thorin’s speech faded into mumbling and irritated gestures, which Bilbo tolerated with an air of one who has done so many times before. Of course the hobbit’s patience only went so far, and he interrupted,  
“Fine fine I’ll be your buffer, but really Thorin, I’m sure there are better ways-“  
“We’ll be meeting in the throne room.” Thorin countered brusquely, striding down the hall with purpose in his step. Bilbo sighed and muttered,  
“What have you gotten yourself into this time Baggins?”

Bilbo approached the throne room, having bathed and donned formal garb for the meeting of the two esteemed kings, rushing slightly out of fear that he was late. Upon opening the doors, he saw that he was indeed late, although it appeared that the Elvenking was just settling in. Despite the arrival time, the air was already icy, as Bilbo approached the two he could see that Thranduil was glaring imperiously down at Thorin, chin raised slightly, while Thorin glared back with equal fervour from under his lowered brow. It was evident that an interlude was required, so Bilbo announced himself needlessly,  
“Terribly sorry for my late arrival King Thranduil,” at this he bowed at the elf, who tilted his head in acquiescence, “and King Thorin,” he bowed once more, this time at Thorin, who merely waved his hand at a seat clearly meant for the hobbit and grunted, “I was held up in the corridors by unavoidable conversation.” Bilbo waited a moment, looking between the two Kings for any sign of either of them beginning the negotiations, before emitting a barely audible sigh and a “Here we go, then.” (To which Thranduil glanced and quirked an eyebrow, but didn’t acknowledge otherwise.) “So.... Trading then?”  
Thorin cleared his throat.  
“Yes. Trading. What are your initial offers then, O Elvenking?” Thorin managed to say, with only a small edge of malice to his tone. Bilbo noted the improvement. “After all, we must be sure that Erebor is not giving more than it takes once again.” There was a strange, nearly goading look in Thorin’s eye as he said this, causing Bilbo to furrow his brow. A look at Thranduil had the hobbit swallowing nervously, if he had thought that the elf could not look more severe than he looked at the beginning of their meeting he was surely proved wrong now.  
“Giving more than it takes? Funnily enough, I do not seem to recall this side of any.... Treaty between Mirkwood and Erebor in the past, in fact I seem to remember quite the opposite, King under the Mountain.” Thranduil said, with the coldest tone Bilbo had ever heard from the elf.   
“Oh no, I do recall Mirkwood being able to take quite a bit as my memory serves me well, perhaps your years are running together Elvenking, with your many treaties enacted in the past.” Thorin growled, clenching his armrests with slightly more force than necessary.  
“Every treaty I have ever enacted has had my full support and devotion so long as I was involved with it!” Thranduil hissed, his once emotionless face now brimming with anger.  
“As long as you were involved, and of course you could rescind the agreement at any point, it was all very well weighted in your favour!” Thorin was now yelling, standing up and practically seething with fury, and soon after Thranduil also rose from his chair, showcasing his much more intimidating height, and shrieked,  
“Those who deserved to be nullified were done so with the utmost of debate upon my part, outside incidents that were out of my control cannot be taken into account!”  
Bilbo was gobsmacked, and doubted he could rise from his seat if he tried. His head turned from one King to another, screaming at each-other various things that made no sense whatsoever and the confused hobbit attempted to discern the real reason behind the quickly-enacted din. Suddenly, it clicked- the treaties were euphemisms for.... At his realisation Bilbo let his head fall on the table before him groaning in exasperation. Both Kings turned to look at the hobbit, still shaking with their long-supressed rage, questions in both their gazes.   
“Okay so this whole thing has deteriorated and- oh sit down, the both of you! Hopeless, really, go on, sit!” At the gentle-seeming creature’s sharp command, Thorin flung himself back into his seat, grumpily crossing his arms, while Thranduil lowered himself with a fluid grace, looking at the Halfling with a slight indignation at his outburst. “Much better, oh stop sulking Thorin honestly-“   
“I do not sulk!”  
“Yes you do.” Came both Thranduil and Bilbo’s replies, the elf quirking a brow at the hobbit’s amused look.  
“Alright so now I think I’ve got the gist of it, I take it you two were.... Uh....” It was here where Bilbo lost his confidence, not sure how best to word what he thought their relationship entailed, lest he be murdered by two very cross kings. “Well that is to say.... Together?”   
“Were is correct.” Thranduil said tersely, avoiding Thorin’s angry glare.  
There was silence in the throne room, before Bilbo let out a great sigh. “Alright then, so who wants to go first?”  
Elf and dwarf turned as one to the hobbit, the same question in their eyes.  
“What I mean to say is who wants to say their side of the argument first? Obviously we’re going to get nothing done here with you two as you are, so why don’t we have an actual civil discussion- you’ll both share your side of the story, and then we can not shout about it hopefully?”  
The room was silent for a minute more, before Thranduil tilted his head, nodding at Bilbo.  
“You speak the truth, Bilbo Baggins of the Shire, perhaps different.... Perspective could lead to civil conversation.”  
“At least we can get you out of here quicker then.” Thorin interjected, issuing a challenging stare at the elf opposite him.  
“Right!” Bilbo exclaimed just as Thranduil opened his mouth to retort, “Thanks for volunteering Thorin, how about you share first.” Thorin grimaced at the hobbit, who only gave him a stubborn glare that clearly meant he wouldn’t be escaping this. The dwarf grumbled under his breath, gave Thranduil a quick glare, and pointedly turned to Bilbo as he began.  
“This elf has to be the most insufferable, pompous, rude-“   
Thranduil scoffed, “Me? You are but looking into a mirror, dwarf, the one who possesses these qualities is you.”  
At this Thorin made a grand sweeping gesture with his arms at the Elvenking, looking to Bilbo with an air of infuriated triumph, as if he was saying “See? SEE????”   
“King Thranduil, please refrain from interrupting Thorin....” Bilbo said weakly, seeing the sneer of the Elvenking’s immaculate countenance.   
“Oh don’t gesticulate so abrasively Thorin, your overreaction to every minor offense is not one of your redeeming qualities.” Thranduil said, turning up his nose.  
“And you’re one to speak of overreaction Thranduil? Might I remind you of the time your realm ran empty on your supply of Dorwinion?” Thorin turned to Bilbo and shook his head, grimacing, “One would have thought the very heavens were crashing down at his pathetic and incessant whining!”  
“Well-“ Bilbo began, before he was cut off by Thranduil.   
“And might I remind you, Thorin Oakenshield, of the many times perfect alliances were destroyed at your outbursts, wars nearly begun at the vile utterances which crossed your lips at the slightest provocation?” He turned to Bilbo, rolling his eyes, and said snidely, “So oft he came to me complaining about being banished from meetings I was surprised he was ever allowed anywhere at all!”  
“But I-“ Bilbo tried to interrupt, but was ultimately spoken over, deciding then to sit back and simply make sure they didn’t spill any blood.   
“What!? You assured me those would always be held in strict confidence!”  
“Since when were you ever one to hold anything in confidence, need I remind you of the bathhouse incident? I have every right to exhibit your countless ‘secret’ irritants.”   
“Once, and told under the beguilement of alcohol I let a promise break! You never could forgive me any mistake, as perfect and flawless as you were Thranduil, constantly seducing me and then snatching away my hope at every turn! Why I allowed your trickery for so long is beyond me!”  
“Seduction? Forgiveness? Speak not that which you do not know Thorin.”  
“Do you not recall the times after celebrations? Our meetings when we had been long separated? Our times together, hidden from everyone around us?” (Bilbo noted a faint ring of desperation to Thorin’s words, and looked to Thranduil to see if he had noticed; the proud King showed no inclination of the sort however.)  
“Follies of my befuddled heart no doubt, foolish mistakes I wish not to repeat.” (Similarly, Bilbo felt that Thorin did not notice the slight waver to the elf’s tone.)  
“Mistakes. Was everything else- beyond the bedroom- a mistake as well?” Thorin said, his tone softening, the anger coming out of his posture. Bilbo did not like the look of defeat on his friends’ face, so alien it was.  
“....Aye.” Thranduil replied; a look of anguish flitted across his carefully stoic mask as Bilbo watched.  
“Shall we begin the trade negotiations then.” Thorin said, voice nearly devoid of emotion.  
“It would be prudent to do so.” Thranduil replied, looking fixatedly at a point above Thorin’s head. Bilbo clenched his fists, and knew he could take this no longer.  
“Enough!” The hobbit yelled, causing Thorin’s head to whip around and Thranduil to give a nearly imperceptible start. “I have had just about enough of you two, you are absolutely the most stubborn, infuriating, the- the- the very picture of fools! First you’re arguing, on and on about silly little trivial things, you’re practically the picture of a married couple already, and then you both retreat? You know each-other better than anyone else, and yet you’re blind to see how much the other loves you- I cannot wrap my head around how you two aren’t aware of this!” Bilbo looked pleadingly at both of the (dumbstruck) lovers, and continued on, “You’re both too proud to admit what you feel, but if you just expressed it, don’t ask me how, everything would be reconciled. Everybody has to undergo trials and tribulations, but they only make the.... Other stuff.... Better....” It was at this point where Bilbo realised that both Thranduil and Thorin were wearing identical wide-eyed expressions, and the Hobbit couldn’t help but release a hearty snigger. Just as the noise left his mouth however, Thranduil schooled his face back into its emotionless mask, and Thorin cleared his throat, looking at everything but the elf across the table. Bilbo heaved out another sigh. “Well it was worth a shot, I suppose” He grumbled, sitting down once again in his chair moodily. As he looked up however, he found himself incapable of any further speech.   
The two kings were sharing quite the passionate kiss over the table top in a very fervent manner, much to his horror and relief. Bilbo tried to speak twice more, but found himself still incapable. As low moaning reached his ears, he found that yes, his legs could move, and there were his vocal chords, functional once more.  
“Right, yes I’ll just....” Bilbo began, searching for a door. Upon turning back he found himself even more embarrassed by the new compromising position of the elf and dwarf, and scurried to the closest exit, a departure which was followed by a particularly loud exclamation in sindarin. 

Bilbo groaned as he trudged to the kitchens, waving to Fili and Kili as they passed. He was now extremely hungry and quite worn out from the antics of the Kings, and sought refuge by the roaring hearth of the spacious kitchens, sprawling on the warm stone as he reached it and sighing with contentment. The only way this could get better would be if-  
“There you are Bilbo, you want some food?” Came the voice of Bofur, along with the equally enticing scent of a good meal.  
“Do you have to ask?” Bilbo replied, quickly falling on the plate Bofur set down and leaning against his long-time lover.   
“Not really at this point, no.” The dwarf replied, chuckling at Bilbo’s voracious appetite.   
As Bilbo finished his chicken he sighed and began digging into his potatoes with an exasperated, “Yeah, you won’t believe the day I just had....”


End file.
